The name is Casey.
And I fucking hate everyone.
Sometimes… All I want to do is matter. All I want is for someone to love me the way I love. I hate the fact I feel so deeply, especially when it comes to my emotions. Sometimes I wish I could have a hard facade and act like nothing bothers me. But it does. It constantly eats at me. Why am I not allowed to be happy? Why am I not allowed to fall in love? Why can’t I be the one taken care of instead of the way nurturing others? Don’t get me wrong… I love being the mom role with my friends but sometimes i just want to be the wild one and have someone take care of me.
That is all I want. To matter, and be loved.
So the other day. I got asked why I wanted to be a journalist… And it got me thinking… Why do I? And then I realized it.. I like to get lost in words. I like to imagine.. My life in a different perspective. Live in a fantasy. Write about things in my life I know exist but haven’t yet achieved, or experienced. I know there is so much out there for this world to offer. So much to live for to experience. I figure if I can’t experience the fantasy of the world I imagine, i can create characters and situations in which I can relate to and create a resolution in which I wished my life would end up. I can create a love story in which I could foresee myself being in. I know it is corny and pathetic and pointless. But it is the truth. There’s so much internally in me. Stories and situations that I feel should be told and created. And I want to be able to express my emotions and darkest fears into characters and see my life unfold. I feel that is the beauty of literature. To express emotions in a way body language and science can not. Words are a beautiful thing if one can take the time to discover them. That is why becoming a journalist or a writer is a strong passion for mine. One that I shall keep with me for the rest of my life. The satisfaction in knowing someone enjoyed your words.. Your thoughts… Is one of the most glorifying moments in your life. And I want to treasure that moment for the rest of my life.
I really miss… How it used to be. How
You could see behind my fake smile. How you would wipe away my tears. You were my best friend. I hate the fact that emotions ruined something beautiful…. I need you more in my life now that ever. And your not here… And your never gonna be here. Why? Why is it that i’m your in town girl? The once best friend you claimed is now vanished into thin air? Were those all lies you consumed my head with? False hopes that populated in my mind? Why… Thats all i want to know is why… Yes i did some things that were wrong and retarded… But i miss us. How things used to be before emotions consumed our lives. We told each other everything. And now were lucky if we speak a full sentence to each other. Its hurts. So badly. And i wish i could be like you and pretend that it doesn’t matter… It was a stupid fling. But i know you cared about me the night you came over to my house. I know you cared as i saw the tears stream down your face as we were crying to each other. I know i mattered… So why did it stop? When did i just become lifeless? Why do you ignore my existance. Everytime i have to go to work and see you my heart breaks. I just want to tell you everything. How i feel…what happened to how we used
To be? Did we only become close
Because i was your last resort? Or did you actually care. I keep telling everyone that your gone.. That you mean nothing to me anymore. But its
All lies. I still care. I still want you to care. And i don’t know how to tell you because i know you were react with anger rather than logical. Your killing me… Little by little. I miss you so damn badly. Please come back to me. Please
I want all of these panic attacks to go away. Your preventing my sleep.