My life has gone a complete and total 360. I have lost something very personal to me, my boyfriend, my so called “friends”, i dont have a car. I have pretty much been stripped completely naked of everything comforting to me. I have forgotten what it was like to be truly happy. I am not happy, i absolutely hate the life I live. If i died today, it wouldn’t matter to be because the hell I have been living is finally over. I have never felt so unworthy, unwanted, unloved. I am ashamed at the person I have become. I’m not the happy, bubbly, believing, person i was four years ago. I want that life back, I want the life that I loved to be back. I am miserable, I feel like i am gasping for air, for life, and it seems to be further and further away. The mistakes I have made are now coming back to haunt me. I have no goals, no dreams, no aspirations, nothing. I am a lazy bum. I am going nowhere with my life, and I am so far down this broken path, I cant seem to find my way out. I have no more strength or fight left in me. I have completely removed myself from everyone that I love. I hate myself, everything about myself. There is no good quality about me, so whats the point? you know? whats the point to this? theres not one. As much as I want to take my own life.. I know how selfish of an act that is. And I am not a selfish person.. SO thats completely out of the question.. so how do i deal with these emotions? i cant go and talk to someone because i can even admit to myself how badly i hurt. I cant keep self-inflicting myself because thats only a temporary fix. so what? what is there left for me to do? …
thats right.. nothing. absolutely nothing. I just have to deal in my thoughts. I have to deal with the fact that I am just not good enough for my family. That they dont even care if they leave me behind… or if i feel unloved by them.. I have to deal with the fact that I am not university worthy, that due to my mistakes at cape fear..the truth of the matter is. is that i have pushed back my applying to colleges because i am afraid of getting rejected. I am afraid i am not WORTHY enough for universities to accept me into their school… That all i will be is another disappointing statistic. i have come to the conclusion that i will always constantly be chasing myself around in circles. This is not the live i imagined for myself. Life is one big theory of disappointments, nothing good comes out of this. Nothing.
Its sad that it has taken me 21 years to figure this out. this is the sad sick, truth of life. and i’ve had enough. i am done.
so i have decided that after this semester.. i am paying my debts to my parents.. and getting out of this town. I need to make a name for myself. I need to find myself. I need to travel, i need to be reminded about what it means to be happy. because here in this state of mind, i am not happy. I am far from it. I am having my one last breath.. and before it is over i need to go and search for something more, something better..
i have no other option. I have to do this.