You know what? I think it’s about time everyone knew the type of person you are, it’s time people saw you for the real you. Let’s take it back a good year ago when I first met you. You seemed so honest and sincere and genuine. We could talk for hours and have the best time together. I got to see you for the real you. The guy with the biggest heart and loyal friend when needed. You were kinda like my superman and you saved me in more ways than most. Our friendship was untouchable. You were my best-friend my brother… But it seemed that life crept up and managed to get in the way of what was sitting right in front of us..
Fast forward four months and here we are separated… Barely speaking to each other…almost like we became so distant we almost forgot who we used to be…
Time continues on and we are now here to the last 6 months… I finally got a chance to meet up with you at Walmart… And it was literally like time stood still. We instantly picked up where we left off. Our hearts never skipped a beat…. I had my best friend back. And time felt absolutely amazing. You tell me things are amazing and that you actually went and got married! My heart was completely broken but I felt so peaceful because I knew you had found the love of your life and that you were truly happy. And I was honored to stand there and support you through the biggest thing in your life.
Fast forward once more to about a month ago… Shit has officially hit the fan again… Your wife left you for your best-friend and she completely broke you apart. She took your heart and shattered it into a million pieces. You had nothing. Anything and everything you had was tragically taken right from your feet. As if things haven’t gotten worse you find out she is now pregnant with his child.. But like the dedicated friend I am I stood by your side. I let you take your anger out on me and I stood by you 100% and supported you and helped mend the broken pieces.
Then what could happen happened. We had sex. You had officially taken my virginity… Something that I had waited for 21 years…something that was beyond special to me… And I let you cherish that moment with me….At first we decided it was a “drunken experiment..” Then everyone found out and it caused more tension and stress onto our friendship that it killed me. We distanced ourselves once more for about 2 weeks.. Then we rekindled our past again… And it happened for the second time. Sober…it was apparent that we both had consensual emotions towards each other that we did it again. Because as far as I was concerned it takes two to tango.
Meanwhile I’m loving the entire thing. I mean how could I not? I had my best friend of my dreams take my virginity and we swore we wouldn’t let sex or anyone else ruin the bond we had… But it did… Everything was taken away from me in a blink of an eye.
Weeks go by and we begin to fight and get annoyed with each other. You tell me that your wanting to fix your marriage and get your wife back… Because you don’t have the money to pay for a divorce. You completely took my heart and shattered it. I look at you and said I don’t agree with it because I know your wife is going to destroy you again but I love you and I support you and I don’t wanna lose this friendship. And now look at us… I’m still getting communicated threats from a particular circle of individuals that you associate yourself with… And you don’t even come to my defense. You don’t even come and rescue me like you used too. Instead you stay quiet and do what makes you happy…
All I can say is what happened? You let a girl walk all over you when you know she’s gonna do it again… And you will take her back… But what about me? Your best friend.. Your ride or die.. What happened to you promising me nothing would happen to us? What happened to the old us? What snapped? Because you have taken everything out of me and ran with it. You have damaged me in more ways that most. I don’t think I will ever truly love someone the way I love you. I know you better than you know your damn self… And nothing will ever change that. Nothing..
But you seem to be happy so with that I am happy for you. I am happy that you have found your happiness and that I hope it stays. I really do. But I can’t keep doing this to myself and be put on the back burner. And watching you live your life care free. I just can’t. I am tired of being miserable and walked all over…so this is my last post to you.
JWA….. You were the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. You showed me what love is and how badly
It hurts when it’s gone. You have taught me to be stronger and wiser.. You have helped me to become the woman I am. A cold heartless bitch. You have taught me how to play the game. And I will damn play it like a boss. The old genuine, sweet, helping, laughing, caring, understanding, spontaneous, bubbly, giggly.. Girl is gone. And thank you for changing this naive girl. Cause lord knows someone needed too and it’s about time I have…
When you see a spider by your foot:
When water gets into your ear:
When your mom tells you to take out the trash:
When your hair gets in front of your face:
When you’re too tired to walk up the stairs:
when you decide to be a stripper
My life has gone a complete and total 360. I have lost something very personal to me, my boyfriend, my so called “friends”, i dont have a car. I have pretty much been stripped completely naked of everything comforting to me. I have forgotten what it was like to be truly happy. I am not happy, i absolutely hate the life I live. If i died today, it wouldn’t matter to be because the hell I have been living is finally over. I have never felt so unworthy, unwanted, unloved. I am ashamed at the person I have become. I’m not the happy, bubbly, believing, person i was four years ago. I want that life back, I want the life that I loved to be back. I am miserable, I feel like i am gasping for air, for life, and it seems to be further and further away. The mistakes I have made are now coming back to haunt me. I have no goals, no dreams, no aspirations, nothing. I am a lazy bum. I am going nowhere with my life, and I am so far down this broken path, I cant seem to find my way out. I have no more strength or fight left in me. I have completely removed myself from everyone that I love. I hate myself, everything about myself. There is no good quality about me, so whats the point? you know? whats the point to this? theres not one. As much as I want to take my own life.. I know how selfish of an act that is. And I am not a selfish person.. SO thats completely out of the question.. so how do i deal with these emotions? i cant go and talk to someone because i can even admit to myself how badly i hurt. I cant keep self-inflicting myself because thats only a temporary fix. so what? what is there left for me to do? …
thats right.. nothing. absolutely nothing. I just have to deal in my thoughts. I have to deal with the fact that I am just not good enough for my family. That they dont even care if they leave me behind… or if i feel unloved by them.. I have to deal with the fact that I am not university worthy, that due to my mistakes at cape fear..the truth of the matter is. is that i have pushed back my applying to colleges because i am afraid of getting rejected. I am afraid i am not WORTHY enough for universities to accept me into their school… That all i will be is another disappointing statistic. i have come to the conclusion that i will always constantly be chasing myself around in circles. This is not the live i imagined for myself. Life is one big theory of disappointments, nothing good comes out of this. Nothing.
Its sad that it has taken me 21 years to figure this out. this is the sad sick, truth of life. and i’ve had enough. i am done.
so i have decided that after this semester.. i am paying my debts to my parents.. and getting out of this town. I need to make a name for myself. I need to find myself. I need to travel, i need to be reminded about what it means to be happy. because here in this state of mind, i am not happy. I am far from it. I am having my one last breath.. and before it is over i need to go and search for something more, something better..
i have no other option. I have to do this.